Writing is sometimes a chance to get a lot of things off my chest, and that is what I need to do today!! I have been ill with a bad cold for almost two weeks, and here it is nearly the middle of June and it is raining and raining and raining, not the least bit like summer...you would think we lived in the Pacific Northwest! Very depressing. Besides that, all I really want to do is work on the family newsletter and my blog and I can't for the life of me figure out what I've done wrong, but there is no way to add pictures anymore!! It is so frustrating I can hardly bear it, but I have no idea what to do about it.
I even went on a getaway with Gary for the week-end thinking that would help my frame of mind to get away from everything that needs to be done that I don't feel well enough to do, but I came home more discouraged than ever, and feeling crosser than a bear. Speaking of bears--why do we say we can hardly bear it? What in the world is that supposed to mean? I can hardly bear to look in the mirror anymore, and why would I use the word BEAR? The English language is so confusing sometimes. I empathize with our Spanish-speaking friends who are trying to learn English!
Nevertheless, it is true that looking in the mirror is a trial to me nowadays because I have aged noticeably the past few months and I don't like what I see there AT ALL! Who IS that old woman who looks back at me? I certainly don't relate to her. I've always felt reasonably attractive, and she is getting to be very unattractive. Thin hair that almost won't cover my too white scalp, wrinkles that are now more grooves than wrinkles in places, ugly, ugly frown lines, even though I always thought I smiled a lot more than I frowned! None of my clothes feel like ME anymore, either. Maybe it is because I don't know who I AM now.
It might be easier if I was a little white-haired Grandma, because then I could FEEL like an almost 77 yr. old, but because I still have dark hair (except for around my hairline, which Holly expertly colors) and I am still the same weight and size as I was in my 40's I don't feel like I should look that old.
If I was a little white-haired Grandma with an ample waist, maybe I could feel more comfortable in my own skin, and expect to look old, and I wouldn't mind the wrinkles and all the rest of my imperfections.Maybe I wouldn't expect as much from me, either! Maybe, I could even justify slowing down and taking things a little easier. Somehow, I have to align my thinking to where I really am physically (slowing WAY down) and numerically--77 years old this month, and accept the fact that it is OKAY to have wrinkles and thinning hair, and remember it isn't how you look that matters, but how you feel about life and how you make other people feel when you are with them that is important. I certainly won't make them feel good, if I am feeling so dissatisfied with myself!
77 is almost 80! I always thought that IF I got to be 80, it would come as naturally to be old as it was to become a mother and then a grandmother. I adjusted to those things without ANY problem. It was as natural as breathing. Then WHY is it so hard to adjust to this stage of life? A paradigm shift is definitely in order!
2 comments:
Oh Grandma, I'm sorry you're having a rough time! Sometimes it is best to write it out, for sure! For what it's worth, I think you are absolutely beautiful. I always have, and always will. I don't think you realize how many times Caitlin, Kathy, and I talk about how incredibly GOOD you look, especially for being 77! But I also know it doesn't matter how much people tell you something, if you don't believe it yourself it's not the same.
We had a really good lesson in Relief Society last week, and something really struck me in the lesson. The teacher said if we saw ourselves how our Heavenly Father sees us, we would all be a happier people, and we would definitely not be so hard on ourselves. Maybe that's something you can try. Pray for help to see yourself as our Father sees you. I know you would see a beautiful woman in the mirror, who has had a wonderful and blessed life, and fulfilled her calling beautifully as a remarkable daughter, sister, mother, grandmother, even great-grandmother and friend. I love you grandma!!!
I don't know why I missed this post yesterday. I'm sorry June was such a tough month for you. Nicia said it all so well, so I definitely I echo her remarks. It has to be difficult realizing that you are not that middle age you were for so long anymore. But you are a beautiful woman, not just outside, but in. I have looked up to and admired you since I met you. I'm hoping that I look as good as you when I reach your age, but more importantly, I'm hoping that I can be the kind of grandma, mother-in-law, and friend that you have been to so many people! I hope the rest of your summer is filled with sunshine, flowers, joy, and some rest mixed in too. I love you!
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